Can’t Hardly Wait
Airdate: Friday, October 13th

[Editor’s Note: This week’s Degrassi: TNG episode (and its review) includes some adult issues. - Editor]

It’s time for a Very Special Episode, kids. Guess what it has to do with?:

• Sex.
• Sex.
• Sex.
• All of the above.

Seriously, you’ll never guess.

So yes, it’s time for Jimmy to lose it. Sort of. Ashley has been pressuring him to let her "pose" for him so she can have an artistic recreation of herself, but Jimmy’s not really game for it. He gives her reassurance by saying, "Believe me Ash, when I do draw you? It will be my masterpiece." But as Ash walks away, Jimmy doesn’t look so convinced. Something is eating at the confident Mr. Brooks, and it ain’t parasites from the cafeteria food. Also: the continued mentions of the phantom Heather Sinclair? Never. Gets. Old.

The issue becomes illuminated when Spinner is dishing with Jimmy about his frustration from a recent date with Darcy. Jimmy doesn’t want to talk about it, Spinner assumes this means that Jimmy is getting more action than the audience at a Flavor Of Love reunion show, until Jimmy spits it out: he can’t...perform. His doctor says it might happen someday, but until then, Jimmy is beyond stressed about it. Spinner tells him to get Zen about it. "Maybe you’re just too wound up - you’re tense 24/7," he points out. "Just relax - let the game come to you, you don’t force anything." That’s remarkably insightful for a 17 year-old self-obsessed horn dog.

Secondary plot line time: Darcy tries to kiss up to Manny to get her back on the spirit squad. Darcy is captain this year, but still, it would be nothing without Manny. Manny finally relents. Can you smell the disaster coming?

Meanwhile, Jimmy is at the physical therapist’s and lifts himself out of his chair onto the table, lays down, takes a deep breath, and... wood! The next day at school he’s high-fiving everyone, and tells Spin he owes him one. "What’s up?" Spin asks. "Something’s up alright," Jimmy tells him. Bad um bum! Please, tip your waitress! Jimmy tells him that he’s able to attain full mast, then turns his glee to Ashley, who he invites out for sushi. Lookit Jimmy get his seduction on!

Secondary plot line: Manny and Darcy watch countless girls suck at cheerleading tryouts until a new transfer, Mia, kicks some serious ass. The three agree to meet at The Dot that evening.

Over sushi, Ash gets a gift from Jimmy - her portrait. I’m not trying to be a bitch, but you know those photo booths that you pay a quarter for and they take your picture and then make it look like a sketch? Yeah, well... Anyway. Jimmy gets all gushy with her, which is so leading up to him telling her he wants to do the do. "My parents are going out later, and I was thinking you could come over tonight," he says. Score! Also: Jimmy’s parents are never home, so really, they could’ve done this any time.

Secondary plot line: Darcy and Manny are yapping about how they’re going to rule the school until Mia comes in carrying a child she calls Isabella. "Is this child yours?" Darcy asks as if she’s carrying some freak hybrid of a cow and a cockatiel. Yes, it sure is, and Darcy is none to happy about it.

But back to Jimmy and Ash, who is walking down the stairs in lingerie she definitely got at La Senza. She gets on the couch next to him and kisses him, then there’s some weird, choppy editing because obviously U.S. audiences are too sensitive in nature to watch what’s about to happen. And what’s about to happen is Jimmy tells her she should probably just go home, using the immortal "It’s not you" line. Predictably, Ash is pissed.

The next day he tries to explain, but Ash is adamant that, "When a girl throws herself at you, you don’t kick her out." Word. Jimmy tells her that they can’t live without sex, even though Ash tells him there’s more to life than that. They discuss options. They kiss. This is doomed.

Secondary plot line: Predictably, Darcy treats Mia like crap, much to Manny’s chagrin.

Jimmy decides to go to a therapist, who prescribes him Viagra. Um. Is that legal for a minor? Unless Jimmy’s 18, but I assume he’s 17. Back at home, Jimmy pops the pill and Ashley starts reading about the side effects ’cause Jimmy’s not achieving full mast. Ash tries to give him a massage, but he’s having none of it. Jimmy’s really not good with this relationship thing, is he?

Secondary plot line: Darcy leaves Mia off the tryouts list. Manny gets pissed. This is so not over. In fact, Manny insists Mia shows up at the next basketball game. When Darcy starts snarking about Mia’s life decisions, it calls Mia to the attention of a guy from the other school who basically calls her a skank whore. And it’s on: a giant catfight the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the Whitney/Mariah days. Even JT gets involved! Unfortunately it gets him the attention of some bullies. I smell another plotline coming...

Back to the main one, Jimmy dumps Ash. That makes sense!

And back to secondary: Mia tells Manny she’s off the squad, and when Manny threatens to quit, Mia tells her, "And let mean girl take over? They need you." Cue more catfights in the future!

But the close-out goes to Ash and Jimmy, who argue about breaking up. Ash says it’s dumb, Jimmy gives her his version of the Larry Flynt speech from People Vs. Larry Flynt ("I can’t walk, I can’t run, I can’t play basketball, I can’t even make love to you." Again - teenagers say this?!?), and yet somehow, they kiss and make up. I’m going to go ahead and predict it now: one of them is going to cheat on the other.

So this week’s Quote of the Episode goes to Spinner, who - when Jimmy used the term "ergo" - responded with, "Hair grow, at least you have something to not talk about." Brilliance.

Next week? Darcy gets skanky. Rock!

Vern Seward is a writer who currently lives in Orlando, FL. He’s been a Mac fan since Atari Computers folded, but has worked with computers of nearly every type for 20 years.