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Lost Episode 3.4, "Every Man for Himself"

Episode 3.4, "Every Man for Himself"
Original Airdate: October 26th, 2006

I called it. I TOTALLY freaking called it.

They strapped Sawyer down on that gurney and poked the needle in his face, and all I could think was, "Han Freaking Solo." Himself once strapped to a gurney and tortured by Darth Vader on Cloud City, with needles even. Frozen in carbonite. Kept from his plucky lady love by the machinations of evil.

Remember my episode 2 review from this season, where I TOTALLY CALLED the Jack/Sawyer/Kate triangle as a classic Luke/Han/Leia trifecta?

OH EM GEE, I called it. I await my overture from the Lost writing staff, who will recognize my brilliance and whisk me away from the mundane world of corporate PR and into their rarefied realm, where money flows like fine champagne from the supple teat of Lady Television.

I'll try to finish this review before they call, especially since I plan to slam their ever-loving rears to the curb. Again, OH EM GEE!

What is it gonna take to get the Lost writers to risk some ACTUAL CHANGE in the status quo of this series?! After watching Kate scream "I love you!" at Sawyer in the preview clips, sounding almost but not quite as pathetic as Minnie Driver pouting into the phone in Good Will Hunting, I held out foolish hope that this week's episode would finally see a step forward in the Kate/Sawyer relationship. At last, the writers would take an existing plot line and move it a few inches forward, instead of slathering the same static characters and story lines with new mysteries and wrinkles beyond the point of comprehension.

Instead, they put a PACEMAKER in Sawyer's CHEST that makes his HEART explode if he gets too EXCITED. And as anyone who's ever been in what Woody Allen accurately describes as "lurv" can tell you, it does tend to make one's ticker go pitter and patter. (Say that three times fast.)

So we almost had an actual love connection on the island. Instead, we get an explosive pacemaker. Seriously. An EXPLOSIVE PACEMAKER.

I think they think Sawyer and Kate are a Gilligan's Island take on Sam and Diane, or to toss out a reference that will make sense to anyone born after 1990, Jim and Pam. They're the unrequited lovers whose tension provides ever so much dramatic tug and pull.

Except they're NOT, really. They're just two of many characters who at this point need to either chow down or leave the dinner table. (There's a far more illustrative analogy I could use in that spot, but it involves unseemly things that occur in the water closet, so I will refrain. I think you know what I mean.)

(Hell, the whole will-they-won't-they Sawyer/Kate rigmarole completely IGNORES the fact that these people have spent sixty-plus days on a tropical paradise in extremely intense emotional and physical conditions, far from their loved ones and lusted-after ones--I would think lots of sex would be a given, if only as a mechanism for releasing bound-up tension. But I'm no sexpert. See what I did there? "Sex" plus "expert"? NICE. I'll have to work that one into my first script for Lost.)

Befitting an island plot that takes elaborate pains to go nowhere, the flashback was equally flaccid, completely wasting the ample talents of not one, but TWO gifted guest stars. Ian Gomez, one of J.J. Abrams' cabal of stock players from Felicity, seemed particularly adrift. Minus a wacky accent and without anything remotely interesting to do, he simply pinged from line to line while Sawyer looked his usual equal parts sly and constipated with annoying pangs of conscience. Bill Hunt, the droopy character actor who portrayed the warden, always finds at least one interesting thing to do, even in the most turgid of scenes. His bit with the apple was choice, a lone oasis of tension in an otherwise lifeless story line.

Let's not even talk about Kate's "I can escape the jail cell, but I'm gonna crawl back in" trick, because it just cheeses me off to even consider it. Only on a show like Lost could a woman who's been conscripted into hot, painful slave labor--when she's not, um, being CAGED like a DOG--actually figure out a way to escape and then decide NOT TO USE IT, because she cares too much about the guy she just told she really didn't love, cause she was just saying she loved him so the bad guy would stop beating him up.

Man. It's exhausting, really.

I feel like I'm already becoming a broken record in these reviews, but it's hard to find new ways to say "Jeebus H. Christmas, I wish SOMETHING would HAPPEN on this SHOW." It's as true as it was four weeks ago.

When they can deliver SOMETHING compelling in their little hour-long installments of this larger messy tapestry, it's great TV. When they can't, you're left staring at what remains--questions without answers, actions without consequences, and characters without momentum.

iTunes Links:

Lost Series
Lost Season 3
"Every Man For Himself"

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