"The Eye of Jupiter"
Airdate: Friday, December 15th, 2006

This is gonna be a gushy one, you guys. Everything comes together right here and it does so in the most satisfying of ways, just like when I put Buncha Crunch in my popcorn and shake it up and it coalesces into the most glorious, salty-sweet opus of deliciousness (some people will tell you that M&Ms;are the chocolate-based substance of choice to mix in with popcorn, but I firmly disagree. M&Ms;are too heavy and will promptly sink to the bottom, whereas Buncha Crunch is light and lovely and will mix in perfectly).

I may have perhaps found this episode even more satisfying than I would have normally because I got to watch it as it should be watched, on the big screen amongst a group of similarly-obsessed Galacticans. Thanks, TV Guide!

OK, so there's a team on Planet o' Algae, diligently gathering all of that delicious green stuff that's going to save the fleet. Algae steaks and algae cookies and algae tacos for all! Yum yum! Chief wanders off at some point and inadvertently stumbles into his own storyline -- a gigantic, temple-like thing that contains what is very likely the Eye of Jupiter, aka the key to finding Earth. At first glance, I thought this was going to be like a somewhat decrepit version of a Bajoran temple, but then the camera just kept panning up and up and up. Awesome.

Chief -- who reminisces fondly about getting all sacrilegious in his mom's prayer room with nakedness and porn mags -- is weirdly touched and drawn to the place. I love Chief having a storyline and I also love how it came about completely organically! No Stock Lifetime Movie of the Week Drug Supplier Dudes required! Cally seems to love it, too, and may I just say that she looks completely adorable in this episode? Is it the ponytail? The strategically-smeared grime? The fact that she doesn't constantly look like she wants to kill someone?

Meanwhile, Starbuck and Apollo are apparently gettin' it on now without the aid of flashback-heavy boxing matches. Lee wants them to both get divorces, but Kara ain't having it. By the way, the audience with me cracked up over Kara's devotion to the "sacrament" of marriage. Because we all know that her real devotion is to drama-fueled, frakked up relationships. She can't be involved in any other sort.

I know it seems like things can't possibly get any more awesome from here -- but trust me, they do. Because then a bunch of Cylon ships totally show up and frakkin' Baltar's voice comes over the line. I would like to take photos of the expressions that Olmos and McDonnell conjure up right here and frame them and put them on my wall for all eternity.

The Cylons come onboard (I know!) and Lucy Lawless Cylon, Cavil and Baltar have a little meeting with Adama, Roslin, and a few other assorted Galacticans. I might have to nominate this for Most Ass-Kicking Scene of the Season. It's all so good! Roslin's not-at-all-disguised disgust. Cavil's stand-up routine. Baltar's general craziness erupting into a sea of emotions that he can't handle at all. Lucy Lawless Cylon's mind-scorching hotness and glorious feathered hair and sly, sly demeanor. Everyone in the scene is simply superb.

Oh, yeah: the upshot of the scene is that the Cylons want the Eye of Jupiter. Duh. Adama counters that if the Cylons try to attack Galactica or the folks on Planet o' Algae, he'll launch every nuke he's got and destroy the Eye. And the planet and the people on it. Yikes.

The runner-up for Most Ass-Kicking Scene of the Season is totally happening while all this is going on, by the way. It's the one we've been waiting for: Boomer, Sharon, and the big Hera revelation. See, Boomer has to stay behind while the other Cylons go on their meet-and-greet -- she's not exactly welcome after the whole shooting Adama thing. So Sharon is guarding her and maintaining an excellently icy demeanor and then Boomer drops the Hera bomb. Sharon puts on a brave face, but you can tell she knows it's true. As she stalks off, Boomer yells at Sharon about how her new friends think of her as a thing -- not a person. These words make me well up for a variety of reasons: my sadness for Sharon, my goosebumpy thrill at the Hera secret finally coming out, and my need to release some pent-up tension after seeing the two Sharons finally face off. Grace Park, you rule.

Back on the basestar, Baltar and Lucy Lawless Cylon visit some more with the nonsense-spewing Hybrid and Six walks in on them and they all proceed to have the most awkward break-up ever committed to the small screen. Baltar and Lucy Lawless Cylon are all, "It's not you, it's us! It's really hard being more spiritually-enlightened than everyone else!" Six is heartbroken and also thinks they are both kind of stupid. And she's not wrong. Anyway, Baltar and Lucy Lawless Cylon head down to the surface of Planet o' Algae in order to check out the Eye of Jupiter.

Also on the surface? Centurions. Frak, yeah! Starbuck and Apollo and Anders and Dualla are all involved in defending the planet, so you know it's gonna be a party. There's a lot of dick-swinging going on between Lee and Anders and it gets even worse when Kara's Raptor is shot down while she's doing recon. Anders wants to go after his wife. Lee doesn't think they can afford to. Anders just gets progressively hotter with each passing scene.

Back on Galactica, Gaeta discovers that Planet o' Algae's sun is about to go supernova. And then Cylon ships are detected heading for the planet. Adama arms up the ol' nukes and we're done 'til January.

It all ends exactly where it's supposed to, right when your heart is lodged in your throat and your eyeballs are bugging out and you think you'll die if you don't know what happens next. The crowd yelled right here: "Awwwwwwwyeaargh!" (The "yeargh" part might have been mostly me).

Amazing. Amazing for every single character. Amazing because there are little bits of humor that cut through the mind-blowing drama. Amazing for the tear-coaxing moments like the Sharon vs. Sharon face-off.

If there's any doubt that this is the finest cast and crew working in television, this hour stomps it into the ground and spits on it. And then Lucy Lawless Cylon smiles slyly and looks gorgeous some more in her impeccably-cut, glowing white suit.

iTunes Links

Battlestar Galactica - Series
Battlestar Galactica - Season 3
"The Eye of Jupiter"